So I've been carrying around this quote from author Martha Beck all week and sharing it here and there with a few select friends who know I'm borderline nuts but still seem to like me:
~Your first priority of the day should be stillness, attention to what you really know and what you really feel. Don't 'network' into meaningless relationships with colleagues who bore you; find the people who can make you laugh all night, who turn on the lights in your heart and mind. Do whatever feeds your true self, even if it's not a safe bet, even if it looks like a crazy risk, even if everyone tells you you're wrong or bad or crazy~This week I tried to follow my intuition more. It took me down a few exciting and scary hatches but in some instances it was definitely worth the adventure. In others, there seemed to be a necessary lesson to take away.
Today when I woke up my intuition told me to first spend some time with the kids; we are apart too much during the week with work and other activities. On the weekends they are wanting lots of Mom time and cuddling and attention. We resumed an old ritual that we hadn't performed in awhile - drove over to Noah's Bagels. I enjoyed watching them eat their giant toasted asiago cheese bagels. Justine polished hers off in a strategic yet dainty way. Jonathan....well, he had more of a "do what feels good" approach and by the end of breakfast had 8 out of 10 fingers covered in cream cheese.
It seems like they both had different but ultimately successful approaches. When Mark came home after tennis I followed their example and made a strategic- yet-dainty-do-what-feels-good intuitive decision and went to the nearby Quaker meeting for the first time.
This was a "silent meeting" where the Friends gather and sit in the silence of the presence of God. It's sort of like a Buddhist meditation, complete with the usual monkey mind going on inside for the approximately one hour meeting.
Should I go the mall later? Oh, God. Is that my stomach growling? Look at that woman's toes. They are all painted different colors. Odd. I wonder if they let people borrow the books off the shelf over here. Am I staring at the books too much? FOCUS! Hey, wow, look at that guy's long beard!.....About halfway through the meeting I noticed the sunlight in the trees outside and heard the cars on the local freeway, overlayed with the sounds of a squawking blue jay and chirping sparrows. Finally, the monkey inside settled down just a little and I understood why the silent service feels meaningful even when no big messages from God seem to be bolting into the consciousness.
At the end a few people stood up and shared inspirations and thoughts. Two people talked about bringing more balance into their lives. Finally, one man stood up and said (I am paraphrasing here):
"I have a contradictory thought to this talk of balance. I DON'T want balance. I want to be amazed! Recently I was camping in northwestern Nevada. It was sunny outside but when I stepped outside my tent the next morning I saw beautiful snow on the mountains.
I... was... amazed!"
That's it, I thought. That's the message I came to hear.
I don't want balance. I don't want guarantees. I want to have more adventures, rock the boat a little and feel more deeply along the way.
Amaze me.
Dateline: Sunday morning. Vasona Park. Los Gatos, California.
